The Reg Standards Bureau was plunged into uproar this week when a reader suggested a new unit for weight, inspired by Cornwall’s revamped food recycling service.
Cornwall Council announced that its revamped food waste collection service had boosted recycling rates by more than a fifth to 52 percent – a remarkable achievement for any authority, even one presided over by a hereditary Duke with virtually unlimited feudal powers and a penchant for flogging overpriced own-brand groceries.
The feat is particularly impressive given that Cornish folk traditionally prefer to bury unwanted items down mines or incorporate them into holiday homes.
To illustrate the program’s success, the council revealed it had collected a “staggering 20,000 tonnes of leftovers, teabags, and everything else that goes in your food caddy.”
Then came a Reg-ian twist: “That’s the equivalent weight of more than 66 million pasties!” Quick math: 303.03 grams per pasty. Our reader immediately nominated it as a unit of measurement.
And that’s where the confusion began. An escapee from The Reg freelance bench heard the ensuing discussion, and piped up: “How could a pasty weigh 303 grams? It would never stay in place.”
Blank faces from the standards board. True, we’ve never attempted to stick a pasty to a wall. Well, not often. And certainly not on the window of the 11:30pm train after The Reg Christmas party. But the filling can be viscous enough for a majestic vertical slide.
Our freelancer asked: “And does that include the tassel?”
Tassel? Why are we talking tassels instead of a crisp ridge of hard-baked pastry, firm enough to hold betwixt finger and thumb, assuming the rest of the casing doesn’t break, sending a mix of scalding hot potato, beef, turnip, and God knows what else sliding down your wrist and inside the cuffs of your fisherman’s jumper.
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Then the penny dropped. Pasty also refers to a disc of fabric or other material to protect the nipple. The long-distance runners among you will know the agony of chafed chests, particularly following a just-above-zero midwinter exertion.
Which got us thinking. Could the pasty be just the sort of circumference measurement we’ve been waiting for?
Some quick googling, and it seems that pasties come in a variety of diameters, roughly between 2.4 and 4 inches. But it seems pasties are also rather variable, from 280 to 350 grams.
So, to ensure maximum efficiency, this will mean a lot of additional work to define both a standard pasty, and, critically, a standard pasty. And that’s before we can begin to decide whether the latest addition to The Reg standards canon is a pasty or, alternatively, a pasty.
Or we throw the decision across to you, dear readers.
Is a pasty not just a European Commission-endorsed foodstuff, but a much-needed unit of mass? Or is it an ideal way of signifying radial measurements AND a cunning way of preventing inadvertent chafing?
Readers, the choice is yours. ®
